I am going to be really frank in this post. It is tough-love time. If you are making one of the 3 mistakes below, then your home is not as welcoming as it could be.
But, here is the good news, all of these have easy fixes. And, not only will everyone else like your home better, but I am willing to bet you will like it better, too.
For this to work, you are going to have to look past all the superficial shortcomings you normally dwell on in your home. No one really cares if you have a burnt out light bulb, or scratches on your baseboard, or you hung your art 2 inches too high.
The 3 mistakes below are the real reasons people might be uncomfortable in your home.
First, your home does not reflect you.
Big mistake. Making a home that is neutral, or designed for resale only, or devoid of any personality whatsoever will make it just that…lifeless. Let me ask you this…is your home so vanilla that with just a swap of a few picture frames another family could move in?
Quick Fix: At a minimum, inject some color (start with your favorite color), hang up family photos or art, and arrange the home for how you live and entertain. Are you formal, casual, cozy, etc?
Take it Further: Do that one project in your home that is so awesome it makes you scared (mostly scared what other people will think). If it is truly you, everyone will love it.
I was beyond nervous to paint our front door teal. Would it go with our brown and dark red house? Would the association, that I skipped asking permission from, come after me? Would my neighbors, friends, and family hate it? In the end, I knew I would love it, so I did it with blatant disregard for what anyone else might think. And, guess what? Everyone compliments us on it.
Second, you keep trying to please the rest of us.
I (and all your other guests) are not comfortable in your home, no matter how much you try to cater to us. We are uncomfortable, because you seem to be more worried about how we feel in your home, or if we like it, than how you feel in your own home. This is directly related to #1.
Why are people visiting your home? They are really visiting you. A home that does not reflect you and drains the life right out of the room is not what they signed up for when they came over. But for some reason when we start trying to keep up with the Joneses and make our home the best for everyone else, we lose ourselves in the process. Stop worrying so much what other people think.
To be your best you, your home needs to be you, too. We like you. We don’t like your home, because it is not you. Make your home more you, and we will feel right at home. Did you move in, set your stuff down, and leave it at that? Your home doesn’t reflect you just because all your worldly possessions are inside.
Quick Fix: You have to curate it, display it, and love it. Think about who you are and make that the story your home tells. Visitors should be able to learn about you and your hobbies by simply being in your home.
Third, you keep apologizing for everything.
Cut it out, already. We are all works in progress, changing and evolving. So it stands to reason our homes are works in progress too. Most people don’t have the money, time, or want to tackle every house project they can dream up, and most other people understand that.
Stop Doing List for a Happier Home
Quick Fix: Stop apologizing for the unfinished floor or lack of gardening. First of all, nobody notices or cares until your bring attention to it. Remember what they are coming over…to see you, not to criticize your undone projects. Second, it is better to focus on the things you love about your home. Lead the guests past the kitchen that desperately needs a makeover, onto the new patio you just installed and are super proud of. Your passion will show for your patio and they won’t notice the kitchen.
Take it Further: If someone does notice or ask about something unfinished, tell them about it. Don’t go into a rant about your money woes, instead share with them what your plan is for that project. If you are not sure, see if they have any suggestions. Unfinished projects can be great conversation starters (because secretly everyone else is constantly dreaming up new projects for their home, too…they will be impressed you are taking action). Whenever my immediate family comes over, we usually do a tour of the basement. They like to see the progress and learn about what I am planning to work on next.
Learn from Our Mistakes
The hubby and I are on our third home together. In our two previous homes we made all the above mistakes. In our first home, we took the apologizing for an undone kitchen remodel so far that we just didn’t have people over.
Don’t do that. It’s no fun for anyone. Our friends missed out on the journey our kitchen went through.
In our second home, we broke #1 and 2 pretty bad. After only a year and a half, we wanted to sell so badly, we kept a resale-ready home that did not reflect us at all. Strangely enough after giving up on living in a blah home, we painted and made some changes we loved. Then, before we could tell our realtor we decided not to sell…boom! Two offers in one day.
In our current home, we are doing it mostly right (after the first year where we didn’t make any changes, which we blame on being sleepless parents of a newborn). We definitely have created a home that reflects us, heck it even reflects the Teal & Lime brand…totally us to the core. We host most family events and everyone loves hanging out with us in our home. We don’t apologize too much, even though living in a home that is also my DIY proving grounds means there are always lots of unfinished projects. Instead of apologizing, we like to talk about our projects and plans with our guests…it’s part of us, so why not?
Which of the 3 big mistakes are you making and what are you going to do about it? Or…if you’d rather not talk about yourself…do you know someone (you don’t have to name names) making one of these mistakes and how does it make you feel when you are in their house?
I totally agree with you. We did the same thing our first year into our home. The market was jumping and we thought two years in our home and we’d resale. It never happened, but we kept our home in re sale order too. Once I realized it’s not how we wanted to live (I was never one to settle for a unhappy room) with that being said never feeling like home for me. I always felt I was staying in someone else’s home. I began to change rooms and colors, living life happier. My rooms reflected that. We have changed things from time to time but with a few rooms untouched (that’s in the making). We have lived in our home for close to 10 yrs. we have come to a fork in the road, to add on or to buy larger? Either way, I will never settle for my design style being caged again.
Denise, love that you are making your house you! Personal style should never be caged up, especially in your most personal space! Thanks for sharing.
I completely love this post – I think it is the key to having a really welcoming home, as well as being a more confident person in general.
Michelle, You are so right. Confidence shows in our homes, just like it does in our wardrobes. I bet your home is super welcoming, because you are always so real!!!
Hi Jackie, Thanks so much for this post! My husband and I moved from Washington DC to Portland in July and donated/sold most of our belongings. We have been living in a 1 bedroom apt, but are actually moving into our newly purchased house this weekend! Because I feel like I am starting from scratch, and that I want to honor the design of the 110 year old house, and that I need a whole house color scheme, I am just paralyzed with indecision. I think you are totally right that the house should reflect me, so now I am going to refocus my energy in just picking out things that I love!
Colleen, Definitely stick to what you love. Enjoy the refreshing aspect of “starting over”. I have always believed it is better to go without, than to live with something you don’t love. Best of luck to you. Please let me know if I can ever help you in anyway.
Great post! My walls are mostly tan, mainly because of my lack of desire to paint, and also cause I actually like neutrals. But having kids has let me go crazy and have fun. My son’s room is blue, brown and cream and my daughter’s is pink, orange and yellow. So fun.
MB, there is nothing wrong with neutrals, if you love them. Neutral rooms can still have tons of personality. I love you unleashing the fun on this kids rooms :)
This is so me. I never have friends over, because my house is never done, ready, presentable, etc. I am trying to make it perfect and something that I love, so I can feel more comfortable having them over. Crazy, I know!
Deb, I totally understand. I hope this post gives you the motivation you need to invite some friends over. Your true friends won’t care about the undone projects…in fact, they might love you more to realize you aren’t perfect and are working on your home just like they are :)
I haven’t really had a problem with the first mistake. I think growing up with a mother who didn’t let me hang posters on my bedroom wall, then in dorm rooms and apartments where I couldn’t do much changing, gave me the desire to make my first (and now 2nd) house reflect me (not really caring what my husband wanted). I painted the living room and dining room in my first house purple (deep eggplant) and loved it even though many people who heard about it thought I was nuts.
However, I definitely have a problem with apologizing (or just not having anyone over). We rarely have anyone over because we are so messy. I either apologize or make excuses (5 kids, mother-in-law with dementia living with us who needs complete care, both of us work). We do better in the summer when the kids don’t have sports or other activities so we can actually be home to work on the projects (or just cleaning). I hope to get something done in March (basketball season will be over, softball/baseball hasn’t started yet).
I really need something like Weight Watchers for organizing – someplace to share the little things and get a gold star when I get something done.
CohoesMom5, Love it…Weight Watchers for Organizing! You are right though…wouldn’t it be so nice to get a gold star every time we completed our chores or made our house presentable?! I have learned to reward myself with company. I like having people over, so I use that as motivation to clean or try to maintain a level of clean. I am not going to lie though…it isn’t always easy and sometimes I just make plans to meet someone out for lunch instead of cleaning. But, here is the truth, all their homes get messy too…and they all have stuff going on…and maybe if we were all a little more open with each other, it wouldn’t matter so much trying to keep up a facade that we have it all together all of the time.
This is a great post. We are so close to being done with what we started (with your help!;) almost a year ago and I kept thinking that we will have friends over as soon as it’s done (never planning on it taking this long…)and one friend actually just moved and i feel so dumb and superficial to have let the state of my house interfer with making memories. Lesson learned and great reminder from this post. Thank you!
Diana, Oh no. That is so sad. That is a very similar situation that happened to use when we were in Virginia. It is so important not to let material things get in the way of our friendships…true friends will never care about any of that stuff.
P.S. I am dying to see pictures!!
Lots to think about here! When I married my husband last fall, I was moving into his ready-made condo . . . and we’re still working out the kinks of his/her design. For so long I’ve been paralyzed with indecision that I’ve made no decisions, and I think our home is still in “resale-ready” mode — even though we’re not planning on moving now! I just need to commit to something and move forward, I think. We did actually settle on painting a red accent wall last year, and that has really made a difference in our living room.
Meg, Way to go with the accent wall. As far as indecision or choice paralysis, the worst decision you can make is no decision at all. Remember, you can always course correct if it wasn’t the right decision. I tell my students in Define Your Style to think of the worse case scenario. Once you can accept that, making the decision is easier. For example, painting your red focal wall. The worse that could have happened is you wouldn’t like the red and you would have to buy more paint and repaint the wall. When you are nervous about change try to get past the emotional aspect and look realistically at what the worst case scenario is (it usually isn’t as bad as we think and it may not even happen).
This is so totally true. My husband and I painted our front door a bright red orange color last summer. We were so nervous about what other people would think. We loved it, but was it too much? Turns out we have received plenty of compliments- people like it. I totally agree with #1, just do it and love it. And other people will too, because it is you. See our door transformation: http://hillmade.blogspot.com/2014/01/home-painting-front-door.html
Great post. I love your blog, by the way. You have great style, there’s always something here I love.
Renae, Thanks for sharing your fierce front door. I love that you painted the inside, too. I think most people let fear get in the way of doing the things that would make their hearts sing! Plus I bet a bunch of people have been inspired to paint their front doors after seeing yours!
My house has been one big experiment in design. I used to explain why things were undone, but then I decided it is what it is. I’m learning and it’s my house. I remember my sister-in-law pointed out that I still had the plastic on the lampshade (I was still deciding on it). I knew that one of the sisters were going to say something so I found it more amusing than annoying. Thanks for the great tips. I’ve learned a lot from you over the years!
LOOVEEEE this post! I totally agree that a home has to reflect YOU! We recently did some updates to our kitchen and it feels even more like ‘us’ and home sweet home! Fantastic tips! : )
Kayla
http://www.lovelucygirl.com
Kayla, Thank you. I am so glad you are busy making it home, making it you. Sometimes it is hard to put into words how personalizing a space can impact the entire feel of a space!