I flat-out PANIC! I seriously struggle with this. In my dreams my home would be a revolving door with friends and family over all the time. But the reality is we rarely have company other than family over. The issue is all me. (Wow, this is kind of a soul-bearing week, I hope you don’t mind.)
I get super stressed about cleaning the house when people come over. It has caused arguments in the past. I get so worked up, sometimes I am no fun to be around by the time company gets here. I have this standard of perfection I try to keep up when anyone comes over. It is daunting and debilitating. It didn’t used to be as bad…when I had a house half the size and no kids.
My problem may be aggravated by blogging. Knowing people have seen my home in photographs, staged in the best natural light, I don’t want my house to be a let down when they see it in real life. Enter major panic attack when Jen raided my house (seriously, what was I worried about, she was so sweet). And, so often with blogging I focus all my attention on cleaning and staging a specific area of my home for photographs, that I completely neglect the rest of the house. My family room may look fabulous while dirty dishes are piled in the sink and clothes to be folded and put away are bulging out of the laundry room. (Thank heavens for depth of field and being able to blur those rooms in the distance in photographs.)
I have included having more company in my yearly goals. It is one goal I continue to work at. I am pretty comfortable with my close family coming over on short-notice. I don’t feel the need to frantically clean for them. I used to, but I have gotten over it.
For friends, extended family, neighbors, and play dates I still put undue pressure on myself to have a perfectly clean house. Have I mentioned with the basement our house is a little over 4,000 sq ft? Yeah, the best thing I probably could do for myself is move to a much smaller house that would be easier to maintain. But, we love our house. And if I am honest, my dream of having a perfectly clean house all the time where friends and family are free to drop by unannounced includes a big house…you know with space for all those frequent visitors.
Reducing Stress When Company is Coming Over
Admitting I had this problem was the first step to making it better. Sadly, it took a few pre-company cleaning blitz blowups right before expected company for me to come to my senses. I needed to change some behaviors to lessen my stress.
Communication
The first big thing I did was communicate. My hubby wanted to help more than I knew, but he did not know what he could do to reduce my stress. Now, I tell him the top areas I feel stressed about and he helps me clean them. He has been so great that when I mention we have company coming he starts cleaning things here and there a few days ahead of time.
Time
The second biggest stress reducer has been leaving adequate time. No last-minute hurried cleaning blitzes. Recently when my BFF and beautiful bridesmaid, came to visit, I juggled my whole work schedule to leave an entire day to deep clean the house. They hadn’t been over in two years and I knew they’d like a recent tour of all the changes. I didn’t even end up cleaning the entire day, but knowing I had the time if I needed it helped immensely. No stress.
Prioritizing
Third, prioritizing is so important. I have come to grips with the fact I can’t do it all and don’t need to. By prioritizing what must be cleaned first, I make sure the biggest trouble spots are always addressed. Kitchens and baths are at the top of my list. Dirty kitchen counters and sloppy bathrooms are the most cringe-worthy to me. For sanitary reasons I feel these should always be clean (everyday, company or not). Right up there on our list is vacuuming…our border collie/sheltie mix is a big shedder. Black dog hair on light carpet is maddening to me. Vacuuming is the one chore that always instantly makes our home feel cleaner. I allow myself to be happy if I get these three trouble spots taken care of before the doorbell rings.
Limiting
Another really important technique for me is limiting where I clean. For example, if we are having company for a BBQ, I focus my cleaning on the kitchen and adjacent guest bath, knowing we will be hanging out mostly on the deck. Now, this has backfired on me in the past. When I hosted my SILs baby shower, I reduced my cleaning anxiety by limiting myself to cleaning the first floor only where I would be hosting guests. Well, my mom (well-intentioned and unknowingly) started taking extended family on tours of the upstairs, which I did not clean at all…gah!
Setting Expectations
That brings me to my next tip. Don’t be afraid to set expectations. By welcoming guests and letting them know we will be dining in the kitchen, politely tells them to go where I want and bypass the dining room where I might have skipped dusting. This tip is also really important for play dates. We have toys in the living room, our upstairs loft, and now the basement playroom….all over the house. My kids without any direction will take their friends all over the place. I set boundaries with my kids about where we will play before guests arrive, so they clearly know if I don’t want to take guests upstairs.
Batching
I started batching visits. This one is going to sound a bit crazy but it totally works for me. When I know I am going to do a big cleaning blitz for company, I try to schedule other people to come over in the following days. For example, the week the newspaper came to interview me (which I definitely cleaned for), I also scheduled a play date and company for dinner. I ended up only cleaning once, but had visitors three times in a few short days.
Upkeep
The single most important thing we try to do to keep my anxiety at bay is regular cleaning. Honestly, we suck at it. We get pretty lazy about the chores when we don’t have company on the schedule. There are so many other things we would rather be doing on the weekend. But since we are both stressed by uncleanliness, whether we have company coming or not, we are coming around to regular cleaning. Setting up our cleaning command center was the first step. Taking an hour on Saturday to clean together and get the kids involves helps a lot. Then, we get to enjoy a clean house for the weekend and we are ready for company.
Please tell me I am not the only one with this anxiety?! Or maybe I am, and if so writing an entire blog post about this clearly shows I think about this way too much.
You are not alone, Jackie!!
yep I hear ya! But im like that regardless of company or not. And I think Im way worse now I have a child. I think because I have limited time for when i can clean!
These are some fabulous tips! I’ve shared them with my twitter followers.
And PS, I LOVE how your home is decorated. Very cheerful and bright!
Thanks Michelle!
No, dear Jackie, you are not the only one with this anxiety! :) I would be so downright mean the day company finally arrived that everyone else around me was having fun and I was only watching–exhausted from the days of preparation and cooking feeling like Cinderella! :( (Which I did to myself and my sweet hubby would watch in shock and disbelief!) What really helped me was living in Europe for so long and seeing how they still embrace the “dropping over” unannounced concept that America seems to have lost. We all hide in our homes praying no one rings the doorbell unexpectedly (and I would NEVER do that, BTW–big pet peeve of mine!) but I loosened up once it was happening all the time. And, to add to that change, our sweet European friends and neighbors would stay for hours at a time. At first, you feel like you have to entertain them, and then you realize that they are just there to enjoy you–so go ahead and fold your laundry, put your kids to bed, and clean the dishes while they visit with you! AND, I’ve learned to politely say, “Good night and we’ll see you tomorrow” and set my own limits. Seriously, having 30 sets of guests visiting us for long periods of time while living there also helped me to become the “hostess with the mostess” and change sheets faster than the speed of light! LOL Between that and often having impromptu dinner parties, I’ve learned to have my checklist, keep a well-stocked pantry with a few things on hand to whip up if need be, do daily chores no matter how tired I am, and to enlist the help of the entire family. Trust me–your company loves and adores you and that’s why they’re there. They’re not looking at your baseboards. It sounds like you’re deciding what your comfort level is and completing your list of MUST DOs. In my next life, I’m going to model after my favorite chef–the Barefoot Contessa. Two hours before her dinner party starts, she’s in the bathtub relaxing with a glass of wine because she’s so organized! And as I type this, I’m expecting a party of 5 for the weekend to see our new home in VA for the first time and dinner for 12 on Sunday. Let’s say prayers for each other to sit back and enjoy the fun and not watch from a distance! :)
And. . . your new venture sounds amazing and I can’t wait to be one of your future students! You rock!
That’s it, Wendy. I need to move to Europe. Sounds like heaven to always have company dropping by that don’t expect a clean and orderly house. It is so great to know others struggle with this. Maybe we all need to let our guards down and then it wouldn’t be an issue. I am just glad to not be alone.
1 word of advice: Flylady. Don’t sign up for the emails, just read through her methods. Set up a cleaning schedule (I use an iPod app) and follow it. Your home will stay perpetually company-ready, I promise. I have a 6 year-old and 2 year-old, and my house is always ready for people. I don’t have to stress or panic, either, it just happens. I started using Flylady’s methods 10+ years ago (before I had kids!) and have adapted things as my family and home has changed. Seriously, give it a try and enjoy all the extra free time you have!
Stacey, Good advice. I have a pin board full of great cleaning and organization tips that I have yet to implement. I definitely believe getting on a system would help, but I am honestly overwhelmed with where to start. It seems that what gets blogged about gets done, maybe I need to do a cleaning week here on the blog!
How about a “clean-along” week?
I just found out this past weekend that we will have houseguests (overnight) in 3 weeks and they will be using our bedroom (no guestroom). Now I have to have the house clean 2 weeks earlier than I planned (for our end-of-summer party).
How am I going to clean the house and especially our bedroom which has been the dumping ground for all the stuff that we have to hide during the other cleaning events?
I’d love to do a clean-along week – you pick the tasks and I’ll do them (and send you pictures).
You are not alone. I always plan an end-of-summer picnic to force me to get ready for the new school year. It forces me to clean after the lazy summer (no sports or extra-curricular activities means less structure and more procrastination for us).
I was just thinking about this the other day – thinking I should get started on the cleaning/organizing now so I am not a crazy banshee right before the party.
I also try to batch visits and I hope to do it more.
Good idea. I definitely feel pressure to get ready for the school year and all the paper and clutter it brings. I should probably take care of that paper pile still sitting there from last school year. Kind of wish there was an opt out for school papers, like there is for junk mail.
You’re definitely not the only one! We also rarely have company over because the cleaning stresses me out so much, largely because we are bad at “maintenance” cleaning in between guests. I found myself nodding and going “yup, yup, me too!” all throughout this post.
I’m so glad to posted this up, it makes me feel normal! I’m absolutely terrible at keeping on top of things around the home, it’s so bad that I never invite people around. Infact my mother-in-law, bless her, makes it really uncomfortable when she phones before visiting. She always says “Now don’t be embarrassed about the mess, I don’t mind!”..but I do, because she is already judging.
Oh no, it’s like she is expecting it to be a mess. I would kill myself trying to prove her wrong. Well, you are not alone.
My husband and I always joke that if our house gets out of control, we invite people over to force us to clean.
That is our philosophy too!!
Love your idea of “batching”! Thanks for sharing your tips.
Christy @ Creating a Beautiful Life
One of the best pieces of advice my grandmother gave me was to not worry about what my house looks like and to spend more time with the people I love. She stayed home with her kids and always felt the need to have the house ready for company. She said eventually she was missing out on quality time with family because she was cleaning/tidying up. I took this advice to heart, since I always felt I needed a clean house, and I am happier for it. My house isn’t always spotless, but my friends and family don’t care in the least. Actually, they probably like me more cause they see no one is perfect! Give yourself a break every once in a while. No one will be disappointed and if they are, they aren’t worth your time.
If I had someone coming to photograph my home, that would be a different story! ;)
Haha, I so agree with Wendy and Kara… and I am glad to hear/read that others have the same ideas/problems. Well, I make a difference depending on WHO comes to visit. Like when it is my mother or my neighbor, then I can still iron or fold clothes or clean my kitchen while they sit at the table and we have coffee and chat. Which I obviously don’t do if we have more “formal” guests. ;)
I try to clean everything I used right away to avoid mess in the first place. But I have a full time job (outside my home) and we have to clean in the afternoons/evenings. Now during the summer holidays I try to install some kind of system and hope to maintain it after the holidays… ;)
Also when our house was new 3 years ago everyone wanted to see all the rooms which made me uncomfortable the longer we lived here – because our everyday life meant that not everything was presentable all the time. This is not a model house, we really live here! So whenever someone asks for a tour of the house we now do the “short tour” – our bedroom or closet and master bath are private. I also ask my daughter (who is 7) if it is okay for her to show her rooms or not.
Jule (Germany)
I too have struggled with this most of my life and I have recently decided that I would much rather pay for cleaning service than pay for cable. This might not be so helpful to some but the reality is cleaning your house is never-ending and I would rather spend time doing other things with my family. Dont get me wrong though, my family will still be responsible for “maintenance” because I strongly believe in teaching responsiblity.
it might be taking the easy way out, but i made the decision to hire a cleaning lady three years ago and have never looked back. BY FAR the best money i spend every month. takes the cleaning time and hours of worry over having a dirty house out of the equation completely. i can spend more of my free time doing things i like to do. HIGHLY recommend making the investment.
I have struggled with this too. I think of my house as a direct reflection on ME. No one will judge my husband if it’s not perfect; no one will judge my kids, but they WILL judge me. I think a lot of women feel this way. I don’t know if you are religious, but sometimes when I’m stressing I remember the Mary/Martha story. It’s the fellowship and conversation that will linger in people’s minds and how they FELT when they were in your house, not whether there was a dust bunny on the floor. If you are stressed out and apologizing for your house, your guests will remember feeling stiff and uncomfortable no matter how great the house looked.
I also make sure I have a full glass of wine in me before company comes. Somehow that takes the edge off so I can just give out hugs and be warm and welcoming and not stress. LOL.
Since others have confessed, I will too: we started with a cleaning service earlier this year and it has been AMAZING. Just knowing at least once every 3 weeks, my house will look great takes so much of that stress off of me so I can enjoy my kids and their messes, enjoy more time with my husband, spend less time cleaning for company. It’s not as expensive as I would have thought and it has done WONDERS for my mental well-being.
Erin, I love your analogy of the Martha/Mary! My sister and I are the complete set (I’m the Martha), and I have learned over the years to let go and focus on the conversation and fun. LOVE the idea of making sure some wine is consumed BEFORE the guests! As long as the powder room is clean, I’ve run the vacuum, and there’s no more than my basic daily “pile,” I’m good to go. PLUS, I figured out after hosting numerous holidays and parties that guests can really dirty things up! Nothing more defeating than spending all that time preparing and then having the house be a mess after the door closes on everyone. Sometimes it’s nice to schedule the cleaning lady for AFTER the party and revel in the cleanliness YOURSELF!!
Erin, Such a great comment. It is true…why do we allow ourselves to feel judged?! I am adding the glass of wine tip to my list :)
I have completely experienced the anxiety of cleaning before guests, however, it has dissipated as we host a lot of company. Christmas for 50+ of my husband’s extended family still brings me to a near hives outbreak. My parents who we are lucky enough to host for multi-day periods 6+ times a year isn’t even sweat breaking. We do everything in between too – play dates, overnight guests, entertaining friends. What I’ve learned in all of it is this: clean after the company comes! Having 3x the number of people in your home makes 3x the mess. Yes, I tidy before guests arrive, but I keep it simple and surface related.
A few of my strategies to ease the work of overnight guests: I leave clean sheets on the guest room dresser with a note requesting they prepare for their return visit. The guest bathroom has a basket of extras (tooth brushes, soap, Tylenol, hair drier, etc.) and the shower is always stocked with shampoo and conditioner. Our overnight guests are always involved in meal preparation or clean-up. If someone says they would like to help in the kitchen, I take them at their word.
I totally understand this, although I have to say that when I go to a friend’s house for a play date or whatnot, I LOVE seeing crumbs on the counters, toys on the floor and laundry piles. It makes me feel relaxed and at home! And if it’s someone I don’t know very well, I ALWAYS think “hmmm, looks like I could definitely be friends with her.” Whereas if I go to someone’s house that’s impeccably clean, I just feel nervous and bummed about the state of my own house. And I tend to think “well, I’ll have to make sure never to invite her over after seeing this gorgeous clean house.” That may be silly too, but that’s how I think!
Amy,
I am the same way! My mother in-law’s house always made me nervous because it was so perfect all the time! Of course she didn’t have children at home. I love going into someone’s home that looks “lived in” and not like a model home! But at the same time, I want my house to look like a model home. Either I’m a hypocrite, or it’s just normal. Which just made me think that perhaps when I visit someone’s “perfect” home I should realize that they are probably just like me and had spent hours making it look good just for me. Hmmm.
Angelique, great point about realizing if someone’s home seems perfect, they may have slaved away getting ready for your visit. I always try to compliment anyone’s home I am visiting whether it is super clean or not. I think it so important to thank them for sharing their space. I know I feel more comfortable and at ease inviting people over again and again that are always appreciative of me hosting.
You make good points!! I’d get this way after I had babies. I was used to making huge unusual meals and set my table fancy…but then I learned a couple secrets. Daily make beds and keep kitchen and bathrooms (I had three) quickly wiped and toilets cleaned. I’d wipe my shower with a towel every time and it stayed clean. I wiped out the tub and used that damp cloth to wipe up the bathroom floor, sometimes while the kids played for I never left them alone at all at the age of your boys. Swiffering dusters are easy to quickly touch up but I often wipe the tops of wood with a damp kitchen towel and it works fine and is quick. Ill spill water from the refrigerator and take that time to use a towel to sop up the water and wipe a good area of the kitchen. Every night, I glance around even with kids (teacher in me?) and pick up that loose paper or glass and stick in dishwasher. My kids knew to help before we left the house. So I do a load of towels? They are easy to sanitize with vinegar and baking soda and I don’t use lots of paper towels.
But I’d still panic. So I decided to serve one or two exact meals to company that tasted good yet my husband could help out doing. This trick made entertaining easier.
Once a year I host Bunco. That’s the motivator of getting things done. I’d use paint to touch up black marks on walls. It never showed and looked clean. I’d take an evening and paint baseboards while talking on the phone.
But I’ve found that if the house looks orderly (toys do not count) then people don’t really see like we see.
Take a glance at your house right now. Does it really look so bad?? No. You’ve got boys!! And wow! Don’t move! You need a basement where it snows a lot. I did not hire a housekeeper when my kids were growing up either. That was our fun $. But mainly I wanted them to grow up that they needed to see that its work to keep a house clean and how to do it. I’m glad your boys help. I think you are doing a great job.
You are not even close to being the only one. I’m right with you, sister!
I find the daily maintenance (dishes to sink, toys put away, bathrooms clean, etc) helps ease the stress. But that doesn’t always happen.
My favorite thing is to use a clean smelling air freshener & Febreeze for the couch and rugs. With a cat and a dog, it just helps the place seem cleaner instantly. I keep Windex wipes in the bathroom for a quick wipe down. Also, something about having the couch pillows and throw blankets in order in the living room makes everything else seem ok.
If all else fails, make sure to have some appetizers in your freezer that you can just throw in the oven so you can be like, oh I was just baking us something yummy! I find if there is food around, people don’t notice anything else.
LOVE the food tip. I shall start putting my guests in a food coma so they don’t notice the dust bunnies :). I will be stocking my freezer. I imagine offering drinks will have the same effect.
I have the same problem! During the school year, cleaning the house is the least of my worries, as I have been a full time college student,taking 18 credits/semester. We don’t have small kids, we have teenagers which is worse in my opinion! My husband is an MP in the Army and works 12-14 hrs a day and does not clean on his work days, which I totally understand. That leaves us with his odd days off, usually during the week while the rest of us are at school,and he is so tired that he just lays around watching TV or playing video games. On the weekends the kids and I “catch up” on some chores like the kitchen, bathrooms, and laundry. But it’s just a cursory cleaning. I usually have too much homework, and my kids have friends to hang out with or homework of their own. Having company over during the school year drives me crazy. I’ve pulled all-nighters just to get everything done! I’ve been told that deep cleaning should only be done twice a year, but that would drive me crazy. My husband is often inviting fellow soldiers over to dinner, but is never around to do the hard part–the cleaning! I love that you posted this. I will set a schedule of when people can come over–in batches! If I schedule it around my workload, I may not be as anxious. And I think I really will try to keep a cleaner house. We recently turned our basement into the crafting/game/teen hangout area to prevent it from becoming the drop zone. It’s the one place in the house where everything ends up when we “clean” for guests! No one ever enters the basement except for us. What a waste of valuable real estate! ANd what a chore to clean it when there are bags and boxes and piles of stuff everywhere.
Love your blog! I have employed some of your organizing solutions, but what I really should do is more purging!
Ahhh…you don’t know how good your post (and all the follow-up comments) made me feel! Relieved, redeemed and rejoicing that I am not alone in my never-ending goal to achieve a tidy home before company arrives…what little we have! I am a full-time working mom of 3 little boys so you can imagine what my house looks like by the end of the work week. I end up spending most of the weekend trying to catch up on chores and it’s even more work if we are expecting a visit from someone. I have been known to get so worked up and exhausted from prepping for the company that I too, am exhausted and cranky by the time guests arrive, and then I can’t enjoy them. What’s the point in living like that? I posted a phrase the other day on my wall, which I am proud to live by: “Good moms have sticky floors, dirty ovens and happy kids”. I’m extending frame of mind to my house as well–you are welcome to come on over and enjoy us just as are!
Barbie, I think I should include the line “Come and enjoy us as we are!” on all invitations :). Great perspective!
I love you!!! You set a whole day aside for us :) Well, the house looked beautiful! You are so amazing, and I am always so jealous at how you can do it all, so this makes me so happy to know that sometimes it just can’t be that perfect. I will stay up the entire night before company comes to get the house ready, so by the time they come, I am too tired to enjoy it. I swear in our new house, it won’t be that way :)
Love you dear! Of course I will clean all day for you, but now that I put this out there…don’t get your hopes up…haha! Maybe I will try keeping it real next time :) I think the most fun we had that night anyway was playing down in the partially finished basement, which I did not tidy up.
You are not alone, it is a comfort to me to know that you have the same problem that I do, thank you for sharing your truth. A tip: clean thoroughly and then entertain different people several days in a row. I do this at Christmas and it really takes the stress off and I can actually enjoy my guests.
As was commented above. Flylady.net! It has literally changed my life. I too would stress out about doing ‘spring cleaning’ whenever we had company and then I was exhausted when they arrived! I’d literally be finishing the cleaning “just” before company arrived. The idea of entertaining freaked and stressed me out! Since following the simple routine ideas from flylady.net I have been able to entertain more and have had fun just being more adventerous with my cooking and decorating my table etc. instead of ‘cleaning’! I also have a mother who has always had her ‘cleaning day’. Thru flylady I have set up daily, then weekly routines that make it seem like I’m never really cleaning at all. I just basically do a little each day throughout the week and don’t even have to clean on the weekend! It really is the best system for those that don’t have a lot of time or a whole day every week to do the cleaning! It actually keeps you from getting overwhelmed! LOVE IT!
THANK YOU for writing this post! It makes me feel a little more normal and has given me some great tips. We live one block from a huge tourist attraction, so unnanounced visitors have become a part of our daily lives. It bothers me so much that I rarely enjoy the visit, even if it’s a great friend whom I haven’t seen in a long time. I have two children under two and a dog, and I always feel like my house is in shambles. Growing up my mother kept a spotless home, and I strive to be like that, but it’s truly impossible. I need to do more keep up, and just let go of the rest. Thank you again, you made my day :)
Thank you for this! I feel so much better about not having my home cleaning tasks in check all the time. With two kids under 3 I feel like I’m constantly cleaning….non-stop cleaning. In all honesty, even when people say they are coming over, I’m so drained on cleaning that I get so aggravated and then I take it out on the hubs and then we have to put on fake smiles like we haven’t been bickering all afternoon. I’m totally going to use your tips and maybe we’ll all be able to relax a little more!
Monica, No, thank you and all the other lovely commenters for making me feel better. I really thought I was alone in this and everyone else had the whole house upkeep thing figured out. I also love hearing from other mamas that have littles like me. To keep the house clean I feel like I would have to follow them around with a trash bag, hamper, and toy bin :)
Jackie- I have to totally echo the others about Flylady. It’s a tad overwhelming but if you even just read the emails just for awhile to get the concepts, it does totally change the way you look at cleaning and takes SO much stress out of it. I think the epiphany for me was to realize how little time most chores take (I can empty my dishwasher in 3 minutes!) instead of walking past it all day and whining in my head that it needs to be emptied. My house is now always only about 10 minutes away from being company ready. And no more freak outs!